god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes