i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle