oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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