he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My liver is preforming stress tests.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
