because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
