thus making me awesome and them whores
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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