I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
