Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
