Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
