I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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