if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
