Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
