sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
