apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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