he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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