The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Randomize
