I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
