he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
