You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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