I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
