My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
