dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
