I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
