This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
