im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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