please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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