Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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