i jhust puked up my retainher.
id be glad to
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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