Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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