It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
