woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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