Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
