me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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