So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
