In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
