I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
