I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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