I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
