shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
