i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
