Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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