you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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