Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
