Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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