So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
