is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
How does it feel to date your dad?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
