Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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