my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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