Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
