I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
