If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
