why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
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You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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