So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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