Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
