this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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