so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
