Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
