wrigley field is MILF paradise
You smell like stripper and shame
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
